So I was looking for my old school colleagues, but maybe I wanted a little bit of praise and recognition too. After all, despite my initial failures, I consider my life a success.
I am working at the United Nations in Vienna, have five healthy sons who all became famous Vienna Boys Choir boys and am still married to the man I once married who is the father of my sons and the only lover in my life.
Is that success? Well as Todd Burrier says in the previous entry, you make your own decisions and become your own judge. So my Mum thinks I’m too fat and fussy about my diet in the wrong places. I know I am still overweight, but does she care that I already lost fifteen kilo and only started gaining again here in Australia after staying with her? I dare not even express it like that to her. The relationship is still all too explosive. Probably just as sensitive as it was when I was a difficult teenager and she a menopausal stay-at-home mum. I was glad when she got a job at the children’s hospital and had some more input in her life which helped her to get another perspective on her difficult teenage daughter. Her girlfriend, mother of a daughter, the same age as my older brother, told her then, that I was completely normal and her daughter was just the same, I always felt criticised, never good enough. But I can’t blame my Mum. I think she probably went through the same thing and never felt accepted or good enough. She tells me now that she appreciates my Dad more and more, the longer he is dead. I really appreciate my husband now who is acting as the buffer between my childish self and my child-like mother.
This takes me to the topic of Reverend Moon who matched us. He put us together to heal the pain and suffering of the past. He gave me a man who is patient and kind and loving and forgiving and accepting no matter what. Josef can talk to my Mum and she listens. When I talk to her it is accusations and complaints, both ways! This is really becoming a bit embarrassing as I am consciously contemplating exposing all my weaknesses and coming to terms with my past and my family. Well, this is really what I came for. This is why I really came “home” to Australia. Just like Todd, I could not imagine being 60, and yet, there is another birthday coming up and I don’t even want to tell anybody which one it is anymore. Except to be praised and hear compliments about how well I have kept, how well I have done. I want to be taken to be one of the younger ones who is still employable, who is still valuable, who still has a contribution to make to society. And if I do not get another contract at the UN, then it will be like this through social media and my blog. I will be a motivation trainer and give lectures, not only to thirty-year old mums waiting to re-enter the workforce, but also to high school failers who need to get off their bums and make their life a success ANYHOW.