It occurred to me that my blog and vlog could look like I communicate with an undefined public yet have no real live friends. I actually feel quite at home alone after Josef leaves for work and am aware that I do not feel lonely or scared or depressed. Is it because I grew up with siblings and always longed for my own room? Is it because I had my five kids and felt like my time was always somebody else’s property? I remember the three months I was office manager in the legal offices. I felt like I could never finish a thing without somebody else asking me to do something completely different. What do I have to prove?
I know people who are lonely and feeling sorry for themselves. I pride myself to say that I am never bored and mostly think of too many things that I want to do. My hardest task is still to choose what will I do and what will I leave out. I’m still planning to edit some videos and scan some photos. I’m planning to write up my journals from past years. I appreciate that I can take time to watch series and some I can even select on demand.
Josef and I read together each morning and still find plenty of discussion material in the texts of Reverend and Mrs Hak Ja Han Moon.
I’m still working on recovering my health as I continue the daily ergo therapy on the home trainer and acknowledge that I also still require more time to overcome the impact of the double knee replacement surgery of last year. I religiously take my supplements and continue to dream about the time that I will be able to contribute to inspiring significant ambassadors of peace to really make a difference in our world.
I think back to around 2004 when I first heard about blogs and could not imagine anybody publishing their diary or anybody being interested in reading it. Meanwhile that has become such a commercial tack and I’m still working on identifying my goals.
You see, I am not driven by any ideas of setting up a business, or making money. I do not have a business plan.
If anything, my goal is to build up my own courage to explain to you why I turned my life upside down forty-five years ago and gave up nursing to become a full time missionary.
Now even though today there are many world leaders who respect Rev and Mrs Moon, I’m still consumed by a certain lack of confidence and insecurity.
Did you see the vlog where I said that I don’t want to proselytize or sell you anything?
Yet the supplements I take are a charm for sharing with others because there is a moneyback guarantee and everybody buys direct from the manufacturer.
There seems to be some major blockage that prevents me from telling my story – which is exactly what I am attempting to do in this blog. My daily vlogs this year are also a one-woman show but at least I get feedback from one of my sons. 😊
I notice my pain finally getting better and look forward to the time after my rehabilitation. Every time I think now I’m finally over the hill, my back pain comes back, or my knee hurts again. It is still a long-term project.
But then, so is life. As I subscribe to newsletters from women half my age I know I have stories I could tell them. I wonder why do I think they can teach me something? Because I believe you can learn from anybody. I am still in awe of people who confidently stand up and tell their stories. Then I have to think back to the times I was told to shut up as a child. Am I really still fighting my own self-image?
One day I’ll deliver a blog article here which will get all the rave in FaceBook, but hey, no, that’s not even my goal. You know all the stories about the fabulous looking people in active social media who end up committing suicide because they had no other network? That is not me. I don’t even feel like I’ve been deprived due to the lockdown.
So actually I have to conclude that my one significant other has been my bedrock. He’s still cooking and cleaning and taking care of me after my surgery, even though he’s gone back to work as well. He loves his job. Well I loved mine too, but I was not allowed to continue working. And anyhow, it was high time to get those operations. So now I’m looking forward to the next phase of my life when I can finally be more active again. Actually I’m just glad that the shortest day of the year has passed.
Did you read all this to the end? Please tell me why.